Hello, Darlings, and I hope you’re all sitting comfortably for another Fabula Article. Hoorah!

Now, it has come to my attention that, of late, more and more men and women in Cork are failing on a daily basis at the most important task in the world: Looking Good.

Never mind looking fabulous; after all, this is a town clad by River Island, but merely Looking Good. This week’s rant… of course, I mean Advice… stems directly from a little encounter I had last week, the particulars of which I shall relate to you now.

There I was, minding my own business, walking down Patrick St., having come from Brown Thomas, and about to go get my groceries in M&S (I would usually send a manservant or twelve but what with all the roadworks they get confused, poor dears, and some have managed to get so very lost that they’ve ended up in Limerick! Naturally, I left them where they were and denied all knowledge of their existence. I simply will NOT be caught in Limerick for love nor money), when suddenly, I was… I can only say accosted… by what I believe to have been a woman.

She elbowed me with her enormous fat man-hock (honestly! There is a reason for Weight Watchers, you know), and with a cursory apologetic nod, was on her miserable way, but not before I’d mentally photographed her horrific image.

Back at the Lab, the scientists and forensics people informed me that this hideous beast was named ‘Demelza’ (Ed’s note – name changed for legal reasons, Ms. DiBeaumarchais could frankly do without any more lawsuits. Smirnoff want an unreasonable sum of money after their product was inadvertently photographed stabbing a dole youth in the face last month). Well, ‘Demelza’, if you’re reading this, thanks to you and your cottage cheese quarter-pounder elbow I have had to destroy a priceless chinchilla coat and a Phillip Tracey hat that I was rather fond of. And, in order to avoid such frankly terrifying occurrences in the future, I now present to you, the people of Cork, this article. Use it well!

HOW TO LOOK GOOD.

Women. Ladies. Girls. From Crazy Fat Goth on Rory Gallagher Place to Horrific Eyebrowless Burger-Server in B.K., the city is awash with species of the fairer sex that simply Get It Wrong each and every day of their aesthetically displeasing lives. I will say the following:

MAKEUP: Get a clue, buy a mirror, and for the love of Christ, stay away from bottles of foundation that have the words ‘Warm’, ‘Honey’, or ‘Beige’ written on them. Why anyone would choose to leave the house deliberately having smeared vast quantities of Agent Orange Horse Glue all over their faces (and somehow, never the necks!!) is beyond me. Also, Lipstick is an absolute MUST: if you think even for a second that foundation alone (or worse, pressed powder) is enough, then you are mistaken. Flesh-coloured lips make you look like a retard, dear. And for heaven’s sake, stay away from blue mascara. Nobody likes to be reminded of domestic violence.

CLOTHES: Dress for your size. Fat girls, stop shopping in Evans! If you wear yards and yards of violently-patterned upholstery fabric that has been crudely fashioned into a blouse, then you will look exactly like a walking sofa.  It is that simple. Wear tailored things and be proud of your curves. Unless you’re morbidly obese, in which case, just stay indoors. Please.

SHOES: If I come across any female (or male, for that matter. In this business you never know…) sporting a pair of those new dayglo heels in yellow, orange, green or denim effect, I will personally drown the bitch in the Lee. Anything else is fine.

And now, the Men.

MEN: Find a nice homosexual and bring him with you when you go to Town.

So you see, Darlings, it’s not so tough. Looking Good really only requires a minimum of effort. I will, at some point in the future, be renting the Everyman palace to give a sixteen-week lecture workshop on How To Look Fabulous, but I can’t write that sort of Genius.

Until we read again, Darlings, I bid you all a very fond…

Lovings!
Hoorah!!!

F DiB XXXXX

FABULA RECOMMENDS THIS WEEK:

BOOK: ‘The Other Boelyn Girl’ by Phillipa Gregory
DVD: Hedwig and The Angry Inch, released by 20th Century Fox
ALBUM: Liza Minnelli in Liza’s Back!, released by J Records