The Mystery of the Vanishing Paired-up Poofters
Steamer - October 2003
Couple by couple, they're leaving the scene: the phenomenon of the vanishing paired-up poofters.
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 Johnny is a typical gay guy in late 20s/early 30s. College is a fading memory; he’s now got a pension plan and a career that’s finally going places. He’s beginning to tire of one-night stands, and starts to think it might be time to find himself a Significant Other. No easy task, but when he finds him, something interesting happens. His friends notice that he begins to frequent gay bars less and less. Eventually he stops going altogether. Recognize anyone here? You should do. This is the phenomenon of the vanishing paired-up poofters. It seems that some gay guys, having partnered off, no longer see the need to hang out on the scene. You see, despite the oft-heard complaint that everyone on the scene is just looking for a shag, there’s most definitely a tribe of gay men who visit the scene primarily with the intention of finding Mr Right. Ger fits squarely into their ranks: “I think a lot of gay guys use the scene as a kind of mating ground. But once you‘ve found a partner, you don’t need to go back any more.” Fair enough – if you’ve got a DVD, you don’t need to visit a DVD shop every week. But how come straights don’t avoid going to straight pubs once they pair off? Most of my straight friends are in relationships of varying seriousness, but they certainly haven’t stopped going to straight venues every weekend. So is it gay pubs rather than going out in general that my coupled-up gay friends are avoiding? Is the gay scene something we tolerate only until we find Mr Right? David has this to say: “I go on the scene most weekends, it’s where I’ve met all my boyfriends. But I prefer straight bars, really, and if I was in a long-term relationship, I don’t think I’d bother with the scene.” Some gay men, of course, eschew the scene irrespective of their attachments. “I hardly ever go on the scene, it’s just not for me,” says Barry, 27. “Gay bars are far from my idea of a good night out.” The attendant bitchiness and snobbery wherever large groups of gay men congregate just puts some people off. Who hasn’t occasionally felt alienated by the cauldron of insecurity and casual cruelty that is the average gay bar? Carl, 28, who has been in a monogamous relationship for (gasp!) nearly three years cites another reason couples avoid the scene: “We prefer to go to gay-friendly places, they’re not as pressurized. I mean, gay bars are full of people trying to break you up.” His partner, Neil, adds: “I don’t think the scene is orientated towards couples, anyway. It’s more suited to singles and groups of friends.” Whether the scene is conducive to forming or maintaining relationships is a debate that’s unlikely to reach a conclusion any time soon. But whether single or married, who hasn’t at some stage wanted to spray Mace into the face of some pushy tosser who doesn’t seem to understand the word ‘no’? Some may argue that couples who avoid gay bars on this basis are displaying a lack of mutual trust. Certainly, for many Dark Side duos, the scene is anything but a threat. Foremost in their ranks are the ‘scene couples’, those whose omnipresence on the scene leads to their names becoming fused in the local homo collective unconscious: TomandJames, JohnandRobert. They proudly troop from Taboo to the Other Place side by side, happy to show each other off. They see the scene as the natural and logical place for them to spend a night out. The lack of long-term couples on the scene could also be explained by demographics. Gay men in their teens and early 20s generally prefer short affairs and partying to the subtler pleasures of long-term coupledom. What 20-year-old genuinely wants to meet The One and Only and move to the suburbs? Most fags don’t even consider settling down until they’re well into their 20s; many more wait till their 30s. These older men are less likely to visit the scene in any case – on many nights, there will be few punters over 30 in Taboo. Hence, the youthfulness of the scene crowd may go a long way to explain the lack of couples. Gay bars may have traditionally been less than couple-friendly, but change is in the air. If there’s a gap in the pink market, you can be sure some canny businessmen will have identified it. The guys with the fat wallets have noticed that slightly older, paired-off poofters are not well-served by traditional gay bars. 2002 saw the opening of the Wig & Pen bar in Dublin, which actively promoted itself as couple-orientated, positioning itself in polar opposition to über-meat market The George. This is a trend reflected in cities across Europe. Even in Cork, while we don’t have a bar targeted specifically at couples, Loafers has very much established itself as couple-friendly. As the lifestyles of gay men change, the scene seems to be changing with them, offering new options where enough gay men demand them. But while gay couples increasingly have less reason to avoid the scene, doubtless some are gone for good. The owners of suburban pubs are probably bewildered by the sudden boom in Smirnoff Ice sales.
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