The Third Annual Alternative Miss Cork
Fabula diBeaumarchais - March 2004
A night that shall live in Infamy! The songs! The frocks! The unspeakable glamour of it all!
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 A night that shall live in Infamy! The songs! The frocks! The unspeakable glamour of it all! And of course, me in whiteface without a monitor speaker. Tra la laaaah. I had a note in me, once. Annihoo, now that all of you have had a good sconce at my nipples, darlings, I thought you’d appreciate a DiBeaumarchais-branded review of the Alternative Miss Cork 2004. What a night we had! Upon arriving at the venue, and having been manhandled into my dressing room by a goddamned home-help in short shirt sleeves with a tie and an attitude (honestly, babies, some men who work for a living really do have huge chips on their shoulders! Who knew the staff at the Opera House were such masturbators??), we began to prepare for the blessed event in question. (The event itself is always in question, from drunken inception through to hilarious planning right down to the yowling, screeching night of the Performance. A bit like Thelma Mansfield at a Christening except far more glamorous, you understand.) The contestants began to file in slowly, to be greeted by myself and the Good Lady Panti, our perpetually present and perennially young-and-beautiful hostette. First to arrive (and indeed, first to go appear onstage) was Ms. LaQuanteesha Chittlin, a vision in fat and big gold creole earrings. I think she thinks she’s black and American, sadly I know that her real name is Mary Murphy. She is from De ‘Haan. Next in was the delightful Angelique Gee, a performer par excellence from inside the Pale, and her retinue of divine assistants. Followed closely by our very own Kelly Klitoris, the slightly surreal and beautifully petite Virginia A. Atlantica, and the ever-so-familiar Rogue Rogan, who I believe has Marmalade blood in her, somewhere? Didn’t we all? Arriving on a tide of glamorous West-Cork-ness was the divine Miss Lucy Fur, our final contestant and true International Beauty, being both South African and From Kinsale. You work it out, darling, I have a hangover. And we were ready to go! In the grand traditions of Day, Swim and Evening Wear, the six ladies did pitch battle for two hours for the Crown and Perpetual Shield of Alternative Miss Cork. Of course, it’s all different from my day, dears. Back in the day when I was crowned, there was no crown, nor was there a perpetual shield. No, all I got was oral sex and a trip to Dublin. Sigh. Anyway, the acts were fabulous, darlings, and shame on all of you Lazies out there for not being there to see! The excitement! The beauty! The tears! The big-man-shoe-stabbings in the dressing room! What a night. From Ms. Chittlin’s tender and moving portrayal of a single working mum looking for money (I Got My Education) to Rogue Rogan’s stunning rendition of ‘All That Jazz’ (honestly, it was like being in the room with Catherine Z-J!!) to Ms Virgin A. Atlantica’s hilarious re-working of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, the night was a roaring success. Interval acts came in the shape of ms. Barbra Dior, Myself and the 2003 Alternative Miss Cork, Miss Zimbabwean Rose. And who better, after such a nigh, to wear the crown to Dublin than the delightful Miss Virgin A. Atlantica? (Although I was asked by some hideous Fat Mams on the way out why a woman was allowed to compete, I merely smiled and slapped the cunt in the face, asking her and her middle-aged beauty therapist friends to get the hell out of my line of vision. The fat bitch). Virgin A., I wish you all the best for Dublin, my darling, and hope you do our fair hamlet proud. Other exciting news from the night includes a discussion with Mary of Taboo, who confirmed for me that while Taboo is sadly gone now, it will re-open again, in a bigger and better guise, and it is not Bar Instinct, as some people believe. Honestly, homos have no sense of proportion or credibility, sometimes. Sigh. My sincere and deep thanks to our wonderful judges, Dave Roche, Pat Vaughn, Risteard Keating, Mary Dee from the UCC LGB Society, and Trish from the Alternative Miss Ireland committee. My thanks also to Donna, Paul and Eddie from Ice Queen, for allowing your venue to be hijacked by a bevy of screeching Baby Janes for the night, and for coping beautifully. And that is all! I am going to powder my nose, scrape the remainder of the black sequins off my poor décolletage, and scream at some underprivileged kids in the street. Roll on AMC 2005. Until next month, dears, I bid you all a very fond… …Lovings! Hoorah! F diB XXXXXXXX
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