There's an odd kind of pressure building up in my head with the last few weeks. I don't know if I'm right in thinking where it's coming from, but there are some things that certainly don't help it.
- Friendships that have been lost
I am not sorry that things came to a head, and that I am no longer friends with a particular woman. But I am feeling grief for the loss of what was. I fought for months to keep that friendship when it was hard on me to do so, and the one time that she was asked to listen she made it all about her...and cut me out. Cold shoulder.
She didn't even try listening....that's how much the friendship meant to her.
- Breach of trust
I fell for someone. Fell hard. And made my peace with the fact that friends was all it ever could be.
I opened up about things. I was trusted with some things, and I trusted in return.
An attempt at blackmail while he was drunk was the result...my whole world trembled.
The fear of the blackmail wasn't what hurt...I won't negotiate or pander to that...I just couldn't believe that anyone I could have liked could be so nasty. The drink is no excuse.
I am a bit....hard to take at times. There are things that are supposed to happen, and when they don't.....I get quite worked up about them.
I don't mind being left out of the loop, as long as it's not a loop that I'm specifically supposed to be a part of, but I really, REALLY hate being talked about behind my back when what's being talked about is half the story, or just plain wrong.
I prefer to know if someone's being wilfully nasty about me while smiling to my face...
...but thankfully it is only a small percentage of the bitching about me that is unfounded.
I love my work. I love my coworkers.
I get on great with my bosses.
I'm alright with hearing the same complaints from customers, night after night, week after week, and it's mostly because there are members of this forum and other friends (that I've known for ages, or who I've gotten to know by doing my job) who buoy me up everytime they pass through with a smile or a wink.
And even customers who don't know me at all can be so lovely when they hear someone having a go at me for whatever reason.
But the ones who think they deserve special treatment drive me around the bend.
Some friends like to make me choose between my job and my friendships....and get annoyed when I pick those who pay my wages (and are also my friends) over someone who trades friendships for favours.
Thank goodness that a combination of guilt, humour, muttering and raised eyebrows have improved a lot of people's behaviour over the last eight months or so.
It's just a dissatisfaction with myself lately. And I know it's mostly irrational, but I can't look at photos of myself.
I'll probably edit this later to say just how.
Blog entry posted by triton201, Apr 2, 2012.