Coming Out

For everyone, the first feelings about sexuality are confusing and uncertain. This is more difficult if your orientation is not heterosexual. It's easy to end up feeling cut off – like you are the only one. That's not the case. Throughout Ireland there are thousands of people who know they are gay/bisexual or think they might be.

Coming Out

‘Coming Out’ is a process that allows a person to get in touch with their own sexuality: to get comfortable with themselves about the possibility of being gay or bisexual.

‘Coming out’ may, for some people, mean coming out to others; friends, family or colleagues (or a combination of these). The most important part of coming out is coming out to yourself.

There are various pubs, clubs, groups and organizations in Ireland where you can meet other people and simply be yourself. There are also professionals who will be able to offer support and advice. Meeting up or talking with other people can be a good way of getting to know yourself better, and feeling more confident and less alone. The ‘scene’ e.g. pubs and clubs, is not for everyone and it may be quite daunting at first especially if you're going there alone. Many men use personal ads, websites and local papers to arrange to meet and talk with other gays, bisexuals and men who have sex with men.

Telling Someone

There is no rush to label yourself as ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’. The most important thing is that you get used to your feelings and try to be happy with yourself. When you have accomplished this, it is up to you whether or not you tell someone; you don’t have to. There are positives and negatives to telling others. While the negatives seem quite serious, on a personal level, the benefits generally outweigh the bad outcomes that could occur. One of the most  important positive outcomes is less stress in your life; not having to hide your true self and not having to lie about where you are going or who you are with. Telling someone may also bring you closer, whether that be family or friends.

The flipside to telling someone is that the opposite could happen; more stress because of a bad reaction, family and friends may not be so accepting. Where it might have taken you years to come to terms with your sexuality, your family have also to come to terms with your sexuality and this can take time - so don’t expect things to be 100% ok when you tell your family initially - give them space and time.

Who To Tell?

Some people write letters to their mother or father (or both), some tell a close brother or sister or their best friend. Others may chose to tell a professional or someone on a helpline. Remember your friends and family are not your friends or family because they thought you were heterosexual. The next big question is when to tell someone? There is no foolproof answer. The important thing to remember is to tell someone when you are ready and not when you are angry or upset. If there is a chance that it could get back to your family it is usually a good idea to get in there first and let them hear from you.

Bullying/Homophobia

Homophobia is a fear, hatred and discrimination towards people who are not heterosexual. This aversion can be verbal, (name–calling) or even physical (an assault). There are procedures within schools to deal with bullying, so report these incidents to a teacher with whom you have a good relationship. Outside of school there are lesbian/gay/bisexual Liaison Officers in Garda stations across the country whose job it is to deal with the gay community on such issues as bullying, blackmail or homophobic attacks.

This service is confidential and the Gardaí are sensitive to your circumstances whether you’re ‘out’ or not.

The Law

On the subject of sexual orientation, sex and the law there are many ‘urban myths’ out there.

Here are some facts;

• Like heterosexual sex, the age of consent for homosexual sex is 17 years old.
• In everyday life (work, services) there is legislation in place that protects gay men, bisexuals and lesbians. Under the Equal Status Act 2000 employers or service providers are prevented from discriminating on nine grounds, sexual orientation is one of these.
• There are also procedures in place to deal with incidents of discrimination .